I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
