It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
