Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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