Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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