but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
