oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
