Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
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You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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