It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
