i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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