hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize