I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
