Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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