I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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