at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
