He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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