You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
