he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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