I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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