I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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