You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
