you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
