I could make wine with my vomit
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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