I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
