Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize