All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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