I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
