How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
