i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
