I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
