11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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