I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
