if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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