is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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