Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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