i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
