@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
