I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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