what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
