i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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