This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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