I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
