Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
