I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
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this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
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Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Ladies don't puke and tell
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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