There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
