This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
