hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Someone shit on the floor
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
did you just send me my own nude
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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