im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
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