I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
