I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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