Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
