Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
