i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
