i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
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You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
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You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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