Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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