i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
