don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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