ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize