I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
