Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after