Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
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No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire