This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
